Jaycee Woods

Recently, I found that I had lost a bunch of stories as I organize my drafts. Very terrifying for me. Fortunately, I found all, but one.

Below is the beginning of a lost story that I recovered. Its working title is “A Wife’s Guide to Divorce.” As a draft, it is raw with a focus on dialogue. I have not even named the characters yet. 🙂

** Snip of Beginning of Draft **

Wife: (A couple are in bed. She shakes her sleeping husband) Wake up. I want a divorce.

Husband: (It is the middle of the night. She wakes him from a deep sleep. He is disoriented and is not sure if she really said that.) What? What time is it? What did you say?

Wife: You heard me! I want a divorce. I don’t love you.

Husband: It’s half past midnight. You couldn’t pick a decent time for this conversation? You know I must get up early for work. You couldn’t sleep so you woke me to talk about your feelings? What is this divorce talk? Where is that coming from?

Wife: You only care about yourself. I’m done. I don’t love you anymore. I deserve better.

Husband: Honey, do you want to talk?

Wife: Talk? Yes, let’s talk about our divorce! I’m taking the kids and the house. Get out.

Husband: You have a screw loose. You wake me up in the middle of the night to throw me not only out of my bed and my house, but also out of my life?

Wife: If I have a screw loose it’s your fault! Now get out before I call the cops. You can pack up your things in one hour.

Husband: (Mockingly he whines) Help police. My husband is trying to sleep in his bed. Arrest him. (Continues in a normal voice) I can’t imagine the police being happy with that 911 call.

Wife: Are you mocking me?! I could call it domestic abuse for what you just did! Don’t mock me again. I will call!

Husband: Wait, I point out that you are acting completely nuts and wasting police resources, but you accuse me of domestic abuse for that?

Wife: You mocked me! What makes you think it’s acceptable to mock me?! How would you like it if I mocked you?

Husband: You can mock me but do so at a decent hour. Why don’t you go sleep on the couch tonight? If you can’t fall asleep, then just use the time to pull your head out of your ass.

Wife: (She sobs) Now you made me cry. All I wanted was some support and you are being mean to me! Why are you being so insensitive?

Husband: You wake me up from a dead sleep after midnight and expect me to be pleasant? Next time instead of shaking me awake try waking me with a BJ…that will make me pleasant.

Wife: Now you are being disrespectful. We don’t speak to women like that in this house! No, this is the last straw. I’m calling the police and filing for a restraining order. I don’t feel safe with you anymore.

Husband: If not you, who am I supposed to ask for physical intimacy. If you felt unsafe around me then you shouldn’t have woken me up. Was I snoring aggressively?

Wife: We have kids! Do you want them to hear you talk like that?

Husband: It is the middle of the night. They are asleep so they won’t hear. We could have loud makeup sex right now and they wouldn’t hear a thing. Let’s do that so I can fall back asleep. We can talk about getting divorced this weekend when we aren’t so busy with life.

Wife: No! You are a terrible human with no respect for your wife. I don’t trust you anymore. Police will be here in 5 minutes to help me file for divorce. If you don’t leave now, it means you are harassing me! I deserve better!

Husband: The police don’t help you file for divorce, which is a civil action. You are supposed to call a lawyer, not the police. The responsible thing to do is call a marriage counselor before calling a lawyer. For someone who has probably been thinking about this for a while before surprising me, you don’t seem to understand the process very well.

Wife: Now you are trying to mansplain the legal system to me. You will not belittle me anymore! I want that divorce!

Husband: Seriously? I have heard your demand. Let’s talk about this later after I get some sleep.

Wife: No! You don’t tell me what to do anymore! I am in charge. I want to talk about it right now or I will call the police! Do you want me to call the police? Is that what you want!?

Husband: This isn’t a police matter. Talk then. I will try to listen without falling asleep so try to be interesting.

Wife: How can I be interesting after you have been so disrespectful to me! You are the one who is supposed to do that! You should be begging on your knees for forgiveness but instead you are telling me to be more interesting. It just shows that you don’t value me or this marriage. The lack of respect is unacceptable. And you wonder why I want a divorce!

Husband: I have no clue what I am supposed to have done requiring me to beg for forgiveness. Can you give me a hint?

Wife: I already told you! You are talking down to me. You mocked me! You are trying to tell me how to behave! That is disrespectful. And the worst is you are not even sorry!

Husband: (He says with an exasperated tone) Please forgive me for being unpleasant when you woke me up in the middle of the night to ambush me with a fight that we weren’t even having but had been going on in your own head.

Wife: Not good enough! That is a backhanded apology. The lack of sincerity is disturbing. You should have taken responsibility but instead you are mocking me again.

Husband: I was being fully sincere. Maybe you could write my apology for me. While I read it out loud, I can blink like a guest at the Hanoi Hilton.

Wife: Now you are mocking the prisoners of war? You have no regard for any human being. You only think about yourself. Is there no line you will not cross? Your behavior is just plain disgusting!

Husband: Actually, I am expressing my solidarity with them as you torture me with sleep deprivation.

Wife: You should feel shame for downplaying their suffering so you can play victim. You are an embarrassment to all men out there.

Husband: Good talk. Can I sleep now?

Wife: No! You don’t get to sleep! I’m starting this divorce today!! Get a lawyer and get ready!

Husband: It isn’t even 1 AM yet. What am I supposed to do to prepare for a divorce at this hour? Sleep. During business hours, let’s contact a marriage counselor instead of lawyers.

Wife: NO! You refuse to take me seriously and have no respect for me! I’m going to call a lawyer and file for divorce! You have no say in this anymore! You showed your true character and your lack of respect towards me is disgusting.

Husband: If I have no say, then excuse me while I sleep. (He turns his back to her and tries to sleep.)